Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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