oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Welp...herpes.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
