im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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