is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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