I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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