mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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