If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
