just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize