meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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