i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
