Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
