just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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