He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sext me about skeletons
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
