He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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