I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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