my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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