You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
