My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
