I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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