Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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