So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
