The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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