Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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