what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
