Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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