Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
