She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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