I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
