So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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