She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
