no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
