idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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