Define "chronic" masturbator.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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