Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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