You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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