and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
