her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
