Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i think my cat just said my name.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
