I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
