Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
