life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
