Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
