My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
