you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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