I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is classic penis vs brain.
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