shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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