My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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