I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
