I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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