Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this beer tastes like vomit already
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
