I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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