Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
