Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Your dad touched me again.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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