Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
