what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
