it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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